What is that which makes you answer when you are called?

"I realize that I have a past to break with - an accumulation of inertia, waste, wrong, foolishness, rot, junk. A great need of clarification of mindfulness, or rather of "no mind". A return to genuine practice, right effort. Need to push on to the great doubt..."

-Thomas Merton

Great little excerpt in reading Wurlitzer's Hard Travel to Sacred Places, and re-imagining the recently taken trips through Thailand and Cambodia. Funny how there really is no substitute for seeing things yourself when it comes to appreciating the observations of others, and how discrete memories can flood back so randomly without much effort.

The last month has seen a lot of recent musing and brooding over past and future Asian wanderings, actually, all leading back to at least one consistent conclusion: last summer's initial foray into the largest continent was necessary in order to help in planning the next, assumed-to-be broader and deeper exploration. There is much to be said in favour of this immersion by experience.

Much learned from fellow travelers and fond places were discovered not obvious from glancing at the map a world away. Much better appreciation for the management of expenses, interconnections, VISA procedures, and how to dealing with isolation and attachment. The importance of avoiding an overly-established itinerary, appropriate for a survey approach, but which only demonstrated how brief even a number of weeks are when you are on the move.
And so, the resolution to buy only the one-way plane ticket for the next odyssey. And to embody the following mindset, also from Merton, on departure:

I go with a completely open mind. I hope without special illusions. My hope is simply to enjoy the long journey, profit by it, learn, change, perhaps find something or someone who will help me advance in my own spiritual quest. I am not starting out with a firm plan never to return or with an absolute determination to return at all costs. I do feel there is not much for me here at the moment and that I need to be open to lots of new possibilities. I hope I shall be!

Yes, that puts it about right. Big victory for Canada over Russia last night, return to the boys at the Capital Sports Club and the news of a past shuffleboard competitor's demise at the hands of cancer. It is later than you think. Try not to lose sight of the opportunities in these next 18 months as you focus on the next glorious escape, eh?

The Passion

First Skyping tonight, with KBJ, and interesting (ah, how common that word) discussions about the nature of debts and work and the like. The very blunt perspective on the cost of the degrees on the wall and whether they are worth it when you consider that they provide access to a job that's not fully loved. It's more complicated then that, of course, and certainly those years and fulfillment of those dreams are not regretted, but the commentary lingers all the same. The overall thoughts about just what you are doing, how long you should wait, where you might go. Just as the plan for 18 months out appears magically solid, there is a nagging sense that this may yet be too much to sit through. If you count the days - 555 says the handy google app, or about 800,000 minutes. Oh my.

I do think another 10-12 months is required, whatever the ultimate choice, if only to give Halifax a farewell tour, keep at the loan, give the course one more good effort, as well as this fall's hearing. From there? I am pleased with the way things have unfolded. I am pleased with the way that the decisions, as they always do, seem to arise independently, as if orchestrated properly. I can sense the freedom, and I'm comfortable knowing what I wish to do is out there. It will be nice to move in April and then see where the summer leads...

Sad-making

Meant to post this on the man's passing. The more I reflect on it, the more potent it seems:

"Everything everybody does is so--I don't know--not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid, necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless--and sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way." -Salinger, Franny and Zooey

How to non-conform? Surely the dreams of a Yangshuo return, overland to Tibet, and Passage into India that haunt these cold nights qualify? More so than picking between expensive restaurants (although there are times for that too, I suppose...)