Northern Lights

Well, that was a weekend, two consecutive nights ou on a rip, plus a bonus Nick the Greek afternoon "to boot". Still reeling, and not sure just what to attribute the sickness in my stomach too. Excess words no doubt, and an inability to be where you are not, doing what you would rather.

But some good madness in celebration, and if there is an emptiness it only came closer to the end, in the recovery. Not sure how to deal with it except to close your eyes a bit and wait some weeks until 2011 begins. And then fatefully, the script may just get written.

Or not, which is okay too. You have to pass through a number of additional nights here in this room, alone, and so it could be worse at that. I do know that nine months from now is the last possible date, and the possibility of sooner is there as well. A sense a compromise post-32, but we'll have to wait on the time.

Hopefully it eases things as it usually can be counted on to do. Even tonight, once some progress got made, you see how it moves to heal. So, if you can hold out for the Northern Lights in Icelandia and somehow make that work, then that will worth considering. It is not that far away, after all.

How nice it will be to truly walk away, a minimum left in boxes. It is that you must keep in mind above all, to get you through.

Oh, and one last thing...

No matter how you look at it, doesn't it always come back to LONDON?

What You Want (and other unknowns)

A most difficult of questions. A "know thyself" query at its heart. What do you want? Do you even have the courage to know, to ask, to think that deeply and trust the responses that do come back. Do you care what others think, and are those thoughts in your way? Is the problem overthinking, or superficial thinking? Are you ready to cast off what you has got you to this point, now that the burden of debt has been overcome?

Say this for K, she makes you think these things. And truthfully, you may be running out of time to grasp at such opportunities, which will not present themselves. Why are things different than June 2008, when you had built up the thought of a Parisian switch? Chastened, or just more aware of the realities? Scared, perhaps, of the frankness and bluntness of the potential freedom?

Note the question marks. Do other people know so clearly what they want? Maybe. Whereas before you might have asked that rhetorically with an air of superiority and condescention. Now it is just with an air of saddeness, jealousy, maybe a bit of pain at your own foolishness you have guarded closely for so long. "Too personal," she jokes. But strikes right to the heart of it.

Ironic as well, today, the news from that random from Michael's a year on from your return. Strangely appropriate way to put the absurdity of your actions in stark relief, and remind you as the clock ticks forward. The world proving again that it often has a pitch perfect sense of humour.

So what then? A revisiting of the old assumptions, I think. A change to the old thoughts of travel as escape, toward travel as redemption? Maybe too strong a word, that last one, but the word "toward", as opposed to away, is the right theme. Remember looking in the mirror on the route down and thinking, What are you doing? Would love to go back to that guy and tell him what he should have done, how stupid he was going to be... It is easy to avoid vulnerability, all the more especially in cases where you absolutely need to confront it.

You have some weeks to pound away the last of 2010, and then wish Trace well and rub the silver dollar. From there the options are as broad as you would wish to make them, and they depend on you. There is time to finalize the second half of the first book, colour it in with the new experiences and emotions now apparent. The outlines are there, let the plot run as it will.

But there is now, undeniably, a tiredness about the solo escapades. You have lived with yourself a long time, there will be few surprises no matter how far you run now. The better step surely is a clean break from this, now made possible by the end of the debt and what can come in the early part of the new year. Do it right, and you can always return if necessary. But there are things that need doing that should no longer be postponed, and you know basically what to do.

So just figure it out, and make it happen then. It is in you to do it.

The Pointless

So, here you are again. Again. In a moment I will look back through to see if you can pinpoint the date last in this place in Barranco, but then again you know it close enough. Rum and Coke Friday last night turned ridiculous, which was probably inevitable at some point along this road. Whatever. It ends when it does. As the loan did - and you shouldn´t forget that congratulations are due for that.

So a new journey begins. Better that than uncertainty and indecisiveness and just feeling of ineptitude. Fuck. What are you going to do. At least with the new start will be new stories as well, and that me gusto. Mucho.

Amazing how the world turns. I remember the last time vividly, after that extraordinary opening salvo in SA, from Isla del Sol to the Inca trail to the last night in Lima with the randoms and that weird dude. And thinking enviously that it would be worth trying to orchestrate the life to live it in places like this. Maybe it is just the fact of being two years older (more likely it is on account of the additional places of the world witnessed) but it is funny to see these things with new eyes. And feel the opposite, in a way. Perhaps due to the company, but the conversations now bore me and I don´t know what I´m going to do about it. How funny the dancing of that blonde guy on the floor with the Peruvian, and how funny the desire for the threesome from the other, who are just lounging around the hostel today recovering, no doubt anticipating another night.

Does it mean London, and its pleasures? Or something in the middle of nowhere, that will probably leave you feeling just as empty... Alas is the word. I just don´t know... (Meanwhile, the crazy girl next door can´t remember her pin number and is worried about how to next extract money. Oh my. "What would you do in my situation?" Kill myself, probably.)

Turns out it is RLS´s birthday today. Maybe writing is a solution, if a partial one. You certainly have new fodder for the opening as a result of this, and perhaps if you focus you can parlay it into more.

Sweet life indeed, Yang, sweet life. I may have to join you in China just because, or otherwise I am going to have to figure out something. Regardless, it will be fun to just... bolt. What was that Twain line? "Light out".

Let´s.